As soon as the outer space aliens landed, I know I had to start a beauty school for them. Say what you will about acceptance and inner beauty. I know better. Appearance matters. And mind you, it goes both ways.

I began putting together my Eight-Step Approach to Alien Beauty for both aliens and humans. Because, remember, to them we’re the aliens. And my program has been a great success.

I tell aliens that nobody will listen to their gurglings if they don’t do something about their physical appearance. Cover up those entrails, for example. Clip your skin flaps over them, have minor surgery, or use Gore-Tex (it allows your entrails to breathe).

Humans also need to take steps to improve their looks. Pad those sharp parts, the mere sight of which causes aliens to vomit. Cover noses, chins, and fingertips especially, since they’re so prominnt, but don’t forget elbows, knees, and (you skinny people) hip bones.

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