Famed tabloid headline writer Jackson Wellbone is transmitting headlines telepathically from his hospital bed while in a coma. After being stuck by a piano that was being lifted for a rooftop concert, he was rushed to the Mayo Clinic, where he’s been on life support for the past month.
Wellbone’s girlfriend, Sara Maybeet, has been receiving the telepathic headlines. They include gems like “Seahorse ‘Best Dad’ Award Recipient Charged with Neglect” and “Outer Space Aliens are Avoiding You and It’s Not Just Your Bad Breath.”
Says Maybeet, “I’m grateful that even though he’s corpselike on the outside, on the inside he’s still bringing home the bacon.”
Wellbone is known as a headline innovator. While others still insist that Elvis is alive and living in New Jersey, Wellbone places him in the Kuiper belt. He also penned the Pulitzer-winning series, “Crash Test Dummy Welcomed into MENSA,” “Female Crash Test Dummy Overcomes Safety Glass Ceiling,” and “Crash Test Dummy Bears Quintuplets—And Goes to Work the Same Day!”
Another series that sets him above the pack includes fan favorites “Favorite Scratch ‘N Sniff Aromas of Historic Conquerors,” “Celebrities Sport Their Favorite Scratch ‘N Sniff Fashion,” and “I Used Scratch ‘N Sniff Every Day for a Month. Here’s What Happened.”
The tabloid headline writer is known for his ability to create impossible titles that somehow ring true, such as “Earth Explodes—Inhabitants Don’t Seem to Notice” and “People Tire of Influencers and Listen to Scientists Instead—Disease Eradicated!”
Along the way he seamlessly made the transition from print tabloids to e-zines with titles such as “This Nonversation is Over—You’re being too Cellfish,” “The Youniverse Is Calling Because It’s All About You,” and “This is an Intervention: Stop Being so Ambitchous.”
His detractors allege that his coma is merely a publicity stunt. Before the accident, Wellbone had been losing popularity, says Luke Manifold, a longtime associate. “His titles just aren’t grabby anymore. Who wants to click on ‘The New K-Shaped Economy: Cringe or Lit?’ And give me a break. ‘Eating Celery with Peanut Butter Will Give you a Southern Accent.’ Ridiculous. He’s sunk to a new low.”
Doctor Betterbutter of the Mayo Clinic says that while she can’t comment on his case for reasons of privacy, she can say that he appears to be channeling Steve Job’s second cousin’s daughter’s best friend’s dog.
Signaling the possibility that Wellbone will soon regain consciousness, he recently transmitted the headline, “Writer Bashed by Baby Grand Emerges from Coma Only to be Felled by Falling Flute.” A GoFundMe account has been established to buy him a hard hat.
Photo: Sean Robbins via Unsplash
Check out Susan’s novels:
Sorry, Wrong Afterlife
The Climate Machine (The Athena Disasters, Book 1)
The Time Philosopher (The Athena Disasters, Book 2)
