“An analysis of the only intact Neanderthal inner nose bones known to exist reveals that our ancient cousins’ enormous noses did not evolve to withstand harsh climates.” –Live Science
Until recently, scientists believed that gigantic Neanderthal noses humidified and warmed the air, protecting them during the frigid ice age. That theory has recently been debunked, leaving scientists scrambling to find a better explanation.
The answer may involve Scratch ‘N Sniff. This technology, which was thought to have emerged in the 1960s, may actually be much older. More than 40,000 years older.
The breakthrough came when paleoanthropologist Wilma Fleckstone and her team at Stoneage University accidentally stepped on colorful patches along Neanderthal migration routes while wearing cleated golf shoes. The scents rising from the patches suggested that they weren’t lichen, as previously thought. They were Scratch ‘N Sniff patches, created by the Neanderthals themselves.
With further investigation, Fleckstone identified specific aromas, including mammoth musk, pine forest, seafood supreme, Thal Valley springtime, and (presumably seasonal) pumpkin spice.
According to Fleckstone, “The Scratch ‘N Sniff patches made up a highly intricate system of communication regarding hunting areas, danger warnings, and fun dance moves. Their large noses helped them to distinguish the various aromas efficiently. We believe this Neanderthal nose language was a key to their long success.”
Fleckstone also posited that Neanderthals needed an exceptional ability to scratch quickly to avoid predators. To test this, they assembled two groups of modern humans: one with neanderthal DNA and one without. They timed each person as they removed the surface of Scratch ‘N Win lottery tickets. The Neanderthal DNA participants scratched 3.2 times faster than humans with no Neanderthal DNA. Neanderthal gene-carrying people had a clear scratching advantage, although they seemed unsure how to spend their winnings.
In spite of their Scratch ‘N Sniff prowess, Neanderthals went extinct, and modern humans may have contributed to their demise. How? The stench of humans (this was before the advent of Old Spice Sweat Defense) likely masked the Scratch ‘N Sniff smells, thereby reducing the Neanderthal’s ability to hunt, avoid saber tooth tigers, and do the boogie-woogie. Said Fleckstone, “Neanderthals literally died of hunger, predation, and embarrassment.”
Not everybody agrees with Fleckstone’s interpretations. Barney Wuxel of the Bedrock Institute of Technology, who was not involved with the study, expressed skepticism that Neanderthals had the ability to microencapsulate fragrance particles, a requirement of the Scratch ‘N Sniff manufacturing process. “It doesn’t pass the sniff test,” he said. That doesn’t deter Fleckstone and her team from working to solve another Neanderthal-related mystery. What are the markings found on so many stones near their migration routes? “The data aren’t all in yet, but it’s starting to look like they had pet rocks,” she said. “There is evidence that these small, round stones were well loved. We have even discovered mass pet rock burial grounds.”
Photo: Neanderthal Museum, Mettmann, Germany
Where to find Susan’s novels:
Sorry, Wrong Afterlife
The Climate Machine (The Athena Disasters, Book 1)
The Time Philosopher (The Athena Disasters, Book 2)
