“… Trump suggested there was a ‘large faucet’ up North [The Columbia River] that could solve all of California’s water needs… ‘You turn the faucet and it takes one day to turn it… all of that water would come right down here …’” –Idaho Capital Sun
Engineers have diverted an atmospheric river to create a thousand-foot-long moat around the White House. The method used to harness the water from the “river in the sky” is a closely guarded secret, but inside sources say it involved a very large faucet.
For weeks there had been speculation over the trench being dug on the White House grounds. The official stance was sewer repair, until reporters pointed out the lack of pipelines in the affected areas. White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt then stated that the new construction would be a lazy river for the president and his family to relax and contemplate world issues.
President Trump contradicted that statement almost immediately. “It’s going to be a big, beautiful moat. Huge. Just huge,” he said of the five-foot-wide ditch. “There will be sharks, piranhas, jellyfish, alligators. And covfefes. Lots of covfefes.”
The moat was financed by private donations from Medieval Times, Aeroflot, California Faucets, and Moat Mart.
Future improvements include a drawbridge, which was going to be adorned with Trump’s image until somebody realized that, when lowered, parade horses and democrats might poop on it. Turrets will be added to various locations on the White House, as will gargoyles, “because Melania has a thing for them.” There is no word on whether a dungeon will be built, but a White House intern was recently seen returning an Iron Maiden album to a record store, admitting sheepishly that he’d bought the “wrong kind.”
There has also been discussion about changing the name of the White House to White Castle, but that was discarded to avoid confusion with the hamburger restaurant chain. White Chateau was rejected as unamerican. Current options include the “Castle that is White,” “Pure White Castle,” and “White People Castle.” Also under consideration is to repaint it and call it the “Gold White House.” Democrats warn that this is part of Trump’s push toward becoming royalty, but he maintains it’s part of a larger defense strategy. “Next we’ll put a moat all around the United States. All around it. North, south, east, west. And northeast, southeast, and up and down and everywhere. All sides.” A reporter pointed out that oceans and rivers already bound much of the country. Trump replied, “Are you stupid? That’s where foreigners invade. That’s exactly where we need a moat.”
Where to find Susan’s novels:
Sorry, Wrong Afterlife
The Climate Machine (The Athena Disasters, Book 1)
The Time Philosopher (The Athena Disasters, Book 2)
