A gene that helped bowheads adapt to frigid Arctic waters also granted them extraordinary longevity. Could it help aging humans become more resilient? —New York Times
From: HeatherBSmartgal@gmail.com
To: info@GenesForU.com
Subject: Gene Edit Refund
Hi There,
Thanks for the whale-based genetic editing but can you undo it please?
Your website promised minimal side effects but come on. My nostrils are now blowholes. I have a ridiculous craving for enormous amounts of krill, which is expensive even with Costco savings. Plus I’m constantly compelled to plaintively call to friends and family across vast expanses. It’s messing with my relationships. My besties are ghosting me, and my boyfriend Mack is on the verge of leaving me.
Please do me a solid and undo it, and refund my Apple Pay. Thanks in advance.
Heather
From: info@GenesForU.com
To: HeatherBSmartgal@gmail.com
RE: Gene Edit Refund
Heather,
As stated on our website, we do not provide refunds for gene editing. We suggest you take advantage of our referral bonus for friends, family, and Mack so that they too can experience the joy of an extraordinarily extended life.
GenesForU staff
From: HeatherBSmartgal@gmail.com
“Joy?” Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea what it’s like to accidentally spew fishy mucus on your coworkers, the CEO, and the guy from Starbucks who just walked in to deliver Pike Place Roast and red velvet cake pops? And you say I should drag my friends and family into this too? Not on your life! (Pun intended.)
Surely you can make an exception to your refund policy. I mean, it’s probably great for people who can work from home and live alone, but Mack is allergic to seafood (i.e., me) and is developing tinnitus from my bellowing.
Help me out here.
Heather
From: info@GenesForU.com
Heather,
We recommend completing the three-month adjustment period as noted in your gene edit download informational material. During that time you will see that the advantages outweigh any minor inconveniences. This is the perfect time to experience your ability to:
- Hold your breath underwater for up to an hour
- Improvise haunting jazz-like mating songs for hours at a time
- Easily adapt to frigid Arctic waters
- And so much more.
Also, don’t forget that you are already on track to achieve your primary goal of an extraordinarily extended lifetime.
GenesForU staff
From: HeatherBSmartgal@gmail.com
Yeah. About that extraordinarily extended lifetime. You promised 98% additional life, but I now see that your small print says, “compared to previous versions.” Doing the math, I see that’s just an extra seventy-two extra days. That’s pathetic.
Mack left me. I hope you’re satisfied.
Heather
From: info@GenesForU.com
We are sorry about Mack, but we think you can do better. We suggest downloading our (free!) GenesForU dating app. This app will connect you to adventurous people like you who have chosen to improve their lives using GenesForU downloads.
GenesForU staff
From: HeatherBSmartgal@gmail.com
Are you kidding me? Okay, “GenesForU staff,” that’s it.
Gid rid of my whale gene and give me my money back. I’ve got a ton of followers and I can “splash” this whale fail all over my social media. I don’t care about the nondisclosure form, I’m ready to take you down. Oh, and by the way, I wasn’t this aggressive until I got the bowhead whale gene, so that’s on you too.
Heather
From: info@GenesForU.com
We cannot refund your money, but we will be happy to replace the gene edit with one of equivalent value or less. Options include:
- Super strength (dire wolf gene edit)
- Invisibility (mimic octopus gene edit)
- Ability to regenerate limbs and organs (axolotl gene edit)
- Binocular vision (red-tailed hawk gene edit)
- Lightning-fast punch (mantis shrimp gene edit)
Or, for a $467 upgrade, you can have the ability to glow in the dark (vampire squid gene edit).
Do any of these options sound intriguing?
GenesForU staff
From: HeatherBSmartgal@gmail.com
Whoa… you can make me glow in the dark?
From: info@GenesForU.com
Yes.
From: HeatherBSmartgal@gmail.com
Okay. Let’s do it.
From: info@GenesForU.com
You will receive a separate email with the request for $467. Once you’ve paid, you will be provided the links to download the bowhead whale gene reversal kit and your new vampire squid gene edit. Thank you for contacting GenesForU.com and have a “happy DNA.”
Where to find Susan’s novels:
Sorry, Wrong Afterlife
The Climate Machine (The Athena Disasters, Book 1)
The Time Philosopher (The Athena Disasters, Book 2)
