It’s annoying I tell you. These locally made smart dentures. I can never get them to work. I’ve got to swipe them just right to get them to boot up, and then they chew too quickly or too slowly. Then they chomp away when they’re out of my mouth (jeez, watch the fingers, iTeeth), but when I put them into my mouth, they stop.

But the foreign ones, they work fine. So what if they’re made by Alphies. Whoops, sorry, that’s degrading now, isn’t it? I can’t keep up. I mean Alpha Centaurians. Anyway, yeah, they’re an odd shape, but you get used to it. When you’re hungry, you’re hungry.

So you asked why I was eating oatmeal with alien dentures. Remember, everything’s smart these days. They sell Alpha Centauri dentures all over the galaxy, and they have to work for different species. Only humans eat oatmeal. So if I eat a spoonful of oatmeal, the dentures recognize I’m human, they chew at the right speed, they pause so I can swallow, and so on. Smart thinking, if you ask me. Of course Alphies don’t really think, not the way we do, but I’m not prejudiced or anything, just stating a fact.

Don’t look at me like I’m some pathetic case. Pour old lady lost her teeth. I don’t miss ‘em. Smart teeth are better than real teeth. You’ll find that out someday.

Now get out of my way. I downloaded Grand Theft Auto MCCCXLV just before lunch and I’m dying to play.

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