At Swagvertising Promotions, we’ll put your company logo on anything. Holidays and special occasions are the perfect time to give freebies to your customers, so celebrate the upcoming 1.5-degree Celsius tipping point with these special deals. Climate change has never been so affordable.
Hotter Than Hades Trucker Cap
Promote your brand with this popular six-panel cap that your customers can wear fashionably during ongoing and future human migrations. This sturdy item is guaranteed to hold up on the long trek from dying Los Angeles to more livable Nome. Special price break on orders of 200 million.
Point of No Return Ceramic Mug
Wake up and smell the coffee with this ample 16-ounce heavy-duty mug. When coffee goes extinct or gets too pricey, repurpose the mug to bail water from the boat you’ll need to live in Miami, New Orleans, Houston, New York City, or other submerged metropolises around the world. Full color printing and cork-bottom version available at no extra fee.
Ice Sheet Melt Stainless Steel Water Bottles
This durable hi-tech bottle will keep liquids ice-cold long after the Antarctic and Greenland ice sheets (two-thirds of the world’s freshwater) have melted into the sea. Last year was one of the hottest years on record, so you’ll need these in a hurry. Swagvertising Promotions will ship your order with no rush fee in only five business days.
Moment of Truth Tote Bags
Hotter temperatures mean you need serious help to keep food cool. This easy-clean tote’s thick insulation will keep sandwiches from spoiling even when daily temperatures reach 50 degrees Celsius (122 degrees Fahrenheit). Free art assistance on orders of 50 or more. Comes in burning city red and bleached coral reef white.
Thawing Permafrost Rollerball Light-Up Pens
Hold on to this sure-grip rollerball pen even when you’re sweating buckets. These quick-drying pens also light up for use when electricity grids are strained to the breaking point or fail altogether. Free shipping to low-lying coastal areas. Available in 27 colors excluding green.
Species Die-Off Plush Animals
With over half of the world’s species dying off by 2050, you have a lot of plush animals to choose from. Our most popular doomed breeds are lions, pandas, elephants, tigers, dolphins, gorillas, polar bears, rhinos, sea turtles, and everybody’s favorite: bees! Place your order with Swagvertising Promotions today and save 25% on resilient species (includes cockroaches, rats, and mosquitoes).
Storm Intensity Crystal Paperweights
Ocean warming has already increased hurricane speeds by 29 km/h, but your customers can keep important documents secure in place with these engravable crystal paperweights. Also great for employee recognition for creativity in shifting climate change burdens to future generations. Tints available for no extra fee: storm surge gray and record rainfall blue.
Desertification Hand Fans
This portable misting hand fan will keep your customers cool while deserts spread faster than misinformation. Battery-powered—no need to rely on energy grids. For instant heat relief, combine it with a gel-based neck wrap cooling towel. This sizzling sale starts today at 15% off.
Climate Denier Ear Buds
Your customer can choose exactly what to listen to and what to block out with these handy ear buds. Let’s be honest, nobody wants to hear about methane-belching cows contributing to greenhouse gas emissions. Order now and get a free plastic case, which will easily break down into fabulous microplastic bits to be passed along the food chain.
Inaction Cost Key Chains
While the cost of inaction on climate change will amount to $44 trillion, these handy key chains are only $1.29 apiece. This savings will balance out the higher cost you’re already paying for heating, cooling, insurance, and mortality risk. Hurry, this deal is too hot to handle!
Doom and Gloom Stress Ball
These globe-shaped foam stress balls will keep your customers’ hands busy, making it impossible to doomscroll on rainforest decimation, ocean acidification, or coal-fired plants that spew CO2, sulfur dioxide, nitrogen oxide and mercury. Lighten your mood, not your wallet! Our two-for-one offer gets you one stress ball for each hand.
Ocean Current Collapse Fleece Jacket
Temperatures may be sweltering now, but when hotter ocean temperatures and increased freshwater cause ocean circulation collapse, the ice age will return. Freeze your spending, not your style! Keep employees and customers toasty with this one quarter zip fleece jacket at 10% off. Minimum order 8.3 billion.
All orders will be packed in Styrofoam peanuts and triple wrapped in plastic for extra protection. Purchase any of these customizable items this week and Swagvertising Promotions will waive the setup fee. Use savings code GRETATHUNBERG when placing your order.
Photo: Immo Wegmann via unsplash
Find Susan’s novels:
Sorry, Wrong Afterlife
The Climate Machine (The Athena Disasters, Book 1)
The Time Philosopher (The Athena Disasters, Book 2)
