I always wanted to be an abominable snowman. ‘Cause you’d never get cold. You’re made to live in the frozen wasteland. Then you’d come to the non-frozen places, and people would be like, “How come you’re not melting?” and you’d be like “I’m not made of snow, idiot,” and they’d be like, “Oh, I get it, you’re a creature,” and you’d be like, “Yeah, but I can sit on a glacier for hours and my balls don’t freeze.” And people would be like, “What, are they filled with anti-freeze or something?” and you’d be like, “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
But then you’d get tired of the heat, because you’ve got this awesomely massive white fur coat on, and you’d probably smell bad because you’ve never had a bath in your life, and that didn’t matter when it was too cold to smell but now your lifetime buildup of abominable gunk is really nasty.
And people would tease you about your lice and you’d say you never had lice in the frozen wasteland and that it’s this mucky stinky place that gave you the lice and they’d say “get a shave,” and you’d know you’d better not because that under all that hair (it really is hair, not fur) you don’t look so great since you haven’t really been keeping up on the weightlifting because there’s been no need because you’re ten times bigger than all your prey.
You’d always get into bar fights because you’d want the fan on when nobody else does, and you’d turn it on anyway because you’re the only one who can reach it and you can kick away the stepstool or, like, crush it between your razor-sharp teeth if anybody tries to get on it to turn the fan back off. And you’d have the upper hand in a bar fight at first but then people would jump on you and figure out that getting your hair pulled is like torture to you and you’d have to say “uncle” and that reminds you of your uncle who died in a particularly large avalanche and between the hair pulling and the dead uncle you’re crying like a baby and nobody thinks you’re tough anymore but nobody comforts you because they don’t want to get their heads ripped off because after all that’s what you do for fun.
So you’d go back to the frozen wasteland and wait for your next adventure because you rock like that.
I’m writing on behalf of our theater company, which has an ongoing series in which we perform blog posts. We’re very interested in using “Abominable Snowman in a Bar Fight.” Would you mind emailing me so we can provide more details? Thanks so much and we look forward to hearing from you!