“People in zombie make-up take part in an ‘invasion’ of Leicester, after the local council this week admitted it was unprepared for an attack by the living dead.”  The Telegraph, June 19

I understand the attraction to being a zombie. I do. It’s self-entertaining. One is encouraged by like-minded folks to dress up in ridiculous clothes, mix red dye number 26 with corn syrup and pour it over oneself, smear white makeup on one’s face, and join a large assemblage of folks who enjoy lurching and stumbling through town.

In fact, zombie-ism has a definite economic benefit, especially to the bad wig industry, which trickles down to the bad wig base hair net industry as well as the bad wig individual hair industry, and finally to the bad wig hair dye industry. In addition, although I’m not an advocate for destruction of property, once these people have torn their clothes, they are forced to buy more, which is of benefit to the local clothing industry. Also, they require extra soap to clean themselves afterwards. Last but not least, throat lozenge sales skyrocket due to the effect of all that moaning on amateur zombie vocal chords.

However—and this is a vital however—zombies and all those who would encourage zombies are not taking the big picture into account. That is, that someday when real zombies emerge, we will laugh at them, smile at their antics, and allow them to come perilously close to us before their appalling odors alert us to the fact that they are, indeed, the living dead, and it is time, indeed, to run like the dickens.

That is why I call on the local government to register zombies, so that we can know what we’re dealing with before being gnawed on by a real decaying corpse, which you will all agree would be downright unpleasant, if not fatal. Each zombie impersonator would be required to carry a magnetized card, which would be scanned at checkpoints along the zombie procession route. Checkpoints would be manned/womaned by individuals trained in how to deal with real zombies, should an issue arise.

I understand that this could be an expensive proposition, but not compared to the resulting damage that would occur should an authentic zombie invasion take place. Imagine the possibility that you or your family might be victimized by mistaken zombie identity, and please take the appropriate action. Thank you for listening to my concerns.

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