Dear Leilani,

I’m so glad you decided to come to Planet Xtra for your vacation. I’m looking forward to your visit! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. And that reminds me, on the way, you will pass through a Random Area Warp, or RAW. The tour companies always downplay this because it’s, well, unpleasant. And strange. But then, of course a warp in the fabric of the universe is strange. And you can’t fly around it because it’s related to time, not space. I don’t really understand that, but then I don’t understand my phone either.

Anyway, when you reach the RAW, you’ll feel suddenly like you’ve been turned inside out, and everything will smell like Snausages. I know that being turned inside out sounds really painful, and it is, but it’s the Snausages smell that seems to bother everybody the most. Something to do with brain connectivity, ya-de-ya-da, I don’t understand that either, but there you go.

To keep from smelling Snausages, when you’re about to reach the RAW—you’ll know because everybody around you suddenly looks like Ronald McDonald—snap your fingers mentally. I say mentally, because you’ll be paralyzed at that point and won’t be able to physically. (Don’t worry, most of the time the paralysis isn’t permanent). You can’t do anything about the turning inside-out feeling, but, hey, you travel for the great experiences, not just the awesome cuisine, right?

Which reminds me. Don’t eat Cheetos within ten days of your flight. They make your body produce a pheromone that excites one of our normally lethargic native rodent species. You don’t want to mark yourself as a tourist.

Can’t wait to see you!
Love and kisses,

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